someone threw a dead crab at me
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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