well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Randomize
