i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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