I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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