i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
