things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize