if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
