Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
