One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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