Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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