You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
