Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
