Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
