I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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