The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
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