The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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