Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
