First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
