so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
