I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
