Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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