she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
