I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
