I'm jealous of your bromance
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
