I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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