Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
