so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
