remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
