I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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