if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
