I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
