We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
