Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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