Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
