you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
