The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
