Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
