You're so nebulous sometimes
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
