I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
