my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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