he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
