Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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