If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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