I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
