Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
