my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
