So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
time to smoke my breakfast
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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