Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
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