I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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