nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
