my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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