I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
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HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
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Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.