How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
NoShamevember. You game?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
