just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
